We were fighting again, this time it was in our teeny kitchen on Capitol Hill. I was next to the sink, and he was on the other side, next to the fridge with his arms crossed. This was our umpteenth fight in as many days as our new baby was around and things had changed. We were no longer on the same team. He was totally shut out, and I was doing my best to survive for team new baby vs. that dad guy. I also had completely forgotten what sleeping was like.

“You don’t get it. You can just go to work, and talk to people, eat whenever you want, and go to the bathroom when you feel like it.” I cried.

“It’s not all bubbles and blow jobs at work, you know!” he shouted. Then we both laughed.

This fight happened 12 years ago, but I always remember the laughter through the pain, through the tiredness, and back to crying again. It was a rough time and I always keep it in my head that I can get through rough times and come out shinier and wiser on the other side.

So, I am opening up my heart to you on a little secret, friend. 2018 was not all bubbles and blow jobs. It was a rough one, and I want to let you know that because I feel its important to show myself in all the lights, the flattering filtered soft glow at sunset along with the grocery store at 2:00 am fluorescent harshness too.

It just started off bad. I made the mistake of making a trip to see my family on Christmas day, leaving my husband alone for over a week and on his birthday too. I didn’t run it by him first, I just made the call. It was back to team new baby vs. that guy. When I got home, I can home to a deeply depressed man, who had lost his light. He hated his job and was just completely burned out.

Oh, also, when I was gone, half of my customers left at the same time. I knew it was something I did, but couldn’t figure out which mistake I made that caused it. So, I made the heart-breaking decision to look for a job. (This was the first time that this had crossed my mind. Apparently, it happens to those who are self-employed all the time, but this one was the first time for me.) Then I can’t find a job, and then a constant play catch-up to pay bills and so on…

I catch some breaks, and get back on my feet, and learn to love my business again.

Somewhere in all of this, I find a heart tearing feeling that I don’t really have a lot of friends, and ones I thought I had are no longer there, and I miss the one who passed away last year, which is hurts me and makes me go inward to figure out some stuff. Hard and ugly stuff…I am still working on this.

I am only writing this for my own document of the truth of this last trip around the sun. I have a superpower of optimism when it comes to everything, and my glass is usually half full. But when I talk to people on a real level, I know all of us are in a hard spot. I don’t want to come off like I am complaining, but I want you, friend, to know that it’s not all bubbles and blowjobs over here all the time. I have been incredibly lucky with many things, but hard is hard and these are the times I grow and learn, and this will make me a better person. Sometimes, hard is good.

That’s what she said.